Things are heating up!

Last month we tried another round of timed intercourse with Clomid at the half dose. Everything was going as planned and we were scheduled for our mid cycle ultrasound again. Brandon was off of work and able to join me for the ultrasound. We were excited but I think a little guarded, as we had been on this roller coaster time and time again. We knew that the higher we went the further we would fall.

Well, lucky enough for us we got decent news from this ultrasound. It showed about four follicles total, two big ones and two small ones. The largest of the two was actually a “twin follicle” as it had one inside of it as well that if fertilized could give us fraternal twins! Well that was unexpected news. Brandon and I had always joked that because we’ve had such a hard time with conceiving that when we did, it would more than likely be twins. Now that’s really not a bad thing at all, especially because we don’t have any kids yet, we don’t know any better! Haha. The only hangup about this ultrasound was that it was done a few days earlier than normal due to my work schedule and the nurse and doctor wanted to wait to let the follicles grow a little larger and more mature before we decided to trigger.

A few days later I went in for another ultrasound and unfortunately the twin follicles had separated but that really was ok because there is always a chance for multiples when on these meds. Any of the follicles can release an egg ending up with more than one baby! I did however have two mature follicles ready to trigger so the nurse instructed me to in two days give myself the HCG shot! Now let me tell you a little something about myself. I am pale. Like a ghost. I have very fair skin that on occasion will bless me with a tan for about a week and then before your eyes I’m pale again. Due to this lovely genetic gift I tend to react to anything that is put into contact with my skin. Remember when I said my body rejected the Implanon? Well it in the years I have been living has also rejected six ear piercings, two nose piercings, two bellybutton piercings and has given me countless rashes to belt buckles, bracelets, necklaces and the like! So when it came time to give myself this shot I knew it wouldn’t be pretty! My skin welted up, grew red, angry and very hot, not to mention painful to touch for about three days post trigger.

Now time for baby making and then the dreaded two week wait. Yup, that’s a real thing in the infertility community. The repeated longest two weeks of your life. Honestly.

So we got my follicles to grow, triggered them to release, caught that on several ovulation tests, had intercourse, we should be pregnant then right? We did all the right steps. Well, we did, and so do you all. However SO MANY things after that have to go correctly as well. First, there needs to be some mighty agile sperm to swim up and through the appropriate canals, the egg then has to gingerly float through the fallopian tubes and down into the uterus, meanwhile meeting up with said sperm. Then the two of them need to divide and grow into a healthy embryo. Once that happens it needs to keep growing and dividing to a blastocyte and when that step is completed it can finally start to settle in and make a home of part of the uterus. If it can hang on and settle in, then it has a fighting chance of making it a full ten months before making it’s debut in the world. ALL OF THAT has to happen, not to mention all the other countless steps that could go wrong, but for sake of time I’ll keep that for another post!

Ok, back to us. Two week wait was over. No pre-pregnancy or PMS symptoms this time. Ok, so this must be a good sign then, right?? Oh, nope, big fat negative test again. Well alright, at least it wasn’t a false positive again. But oh man does this negative test hurt even more than the first. I really thought since this time felt different that it would be the time. I was certain. Are you all on this roller coaster with us now too? See how easy it is to get on? Such high highs and then such low lows. We were so close. We did everything correctly so what in the world is going wrong?! And don’t you dare tell me it is in God’s hands and obviously isn’t the right time.. Unless you want to get my signature dirty look, then please go ahead and say it. (I know you mean well, but as aforementioned you just don’t say that to someone dealing with infertility, or really anything for that matter)

Well what in the world do we do now? The mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats are still very real and very frequent with these meds. We’re tired. We’re sick of seeing nothing happening. We’re ready as ever to become parents (yes we really are). I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being unhappy and angry and taking it out on my innocent husband. I’m tired of doctor visits and hopeful thoughts and painful realities.

We could do IUI. That’s a foreseeable next step. But then I start using up my small amount of insurance allotted to infertility (let me tell you I am SO grateful to even have ANY) on IUI that doesn’t have as high of a success rate as IVF. Do we do IVF? It used to seem so scary and such a negative and last resort option. There is such a stigma towards infertility and needing IVF. Why? Why do you judge something or think less of them because their body just doesn’t want to work the same way? That’s ridiculous. I used to be ashamed. But I am no longer. I’m proud of my body and all that it has allowed me to do so far in my life and it just needs a little help to keep doing all the things it needs to. Peoples joints give out all the time and they need replacements. People’s hearts do as well. No one ever judges them for needing surgery to fix that problem. So why in the heck should someone judge me, or my husband for having reproductive issues?

It felt SO good to have this revelation. How sad that so many women before me also felt ashamed for needing assistance with conceiving. How very sad. I hope to continue to use my voice to make other’s aware of what all we have to go through. What all it takes to do this. And if you really pay attention and look closely, you’ll see that I’m not weak, I’m actually so very strong for enduring what I have and continuing to give myself shots, have reactions to them, cause my ovaries to go into overdrive and produce many eggs, have hormonal changes I can’t control, have sleepless night, keep riding on this crazy roller coaster and STILL manage to give you a smile, grit my teeth, and say that one day, I too will be a mother. I will have my baby. And be damn sure that I will be so proud of my husband and myself for making it on this journey, with love in our hearts for not only each other, but our precious baby to come.

So here we are.. upping the ante and buckling our seat belts. We’re about to take a ride on the biggest coaster yet!

IVF.