Can’t rush perfection

I sit here on the couch thinking about all I have been through in just this past week alone. Last Thursday I went for my egg retrieval and that was all kinds of emotional. We were on a high after hearing how many eggs we got. Then the next day we were updated with how many embryos were formed. Still riding that high we had to wait patiently for five more days to hear an update about our babies.

Those five days were some of the longest hours of my life. You sit there day dreaming about your future. Surely we would have great numbers for how many embryos made it and hatched into blastocysts. We HAD to. I could just feel it. Deep down I knew that they were strong embryos and we would be blessed with a large number. I just knew it. But still we had to wait to find out. The embryologists had to leave them in the incubator and would not take them out until day five. That pivotal day.

Monday rolled around and I went to work. Everyone asked me how I was doing and congratulated me on our outcome so far. It was a fun and exciting day as I was going to be getting a phone call on Tuesday for our update. I tried to stay as busy as light duty would allow me to to keep my brain from only thinking about how many we were going to have. But yeah right. That’s all that flooded my brain and I’m pretty sure everyone got sick of me talking about it! Haha.

Monday night I forced myself to go straight to bed at about eight o’clock. Brandon was on shift so I didn’t have him to distract me. Guess who couldn’t manage to turn her brain off? Yup, this girl! I literally laid in bed for the next couple hours wide awake. I surfed Facebook and Instagram and after looking at the same content three times over I decided I just needed to shut everything down and try to sleep. Luckily that was successful, yet I was still super restless all night. But what did I care? I was going to get a phone call at some point the next day and I was so happy! No amount of dark circles or bags under my eyes could keep this girl down!

What the heckkkkk. It was already one in the afternoon and I hadn’t had a single phone call from the doctor’s office! They called at about nine in the morning the last time. Then I realized that if they were going truly five days later it would be around the afternoon when they took them out, as that is when they were officially created was afternoon. One other nurse that I work with was equally as anxious for me to get a call, as she had just gone through this same exact scenario. Every time I would walk by she would give me that look like “have they freaking called yet??” and I would just shake my head no and roll my eyes.

FINALLY. Two o’clock on the dot and I get a phone call. I was working in my manager and educator’s office that day so I could have my own computer to do some tasks. As soon as my phone rang and I answered it my educator instinctively shut the door. She knew exactly who was calling and how important it was (she’s pretty amazing like that). Two minutes, that’s all that phone call took. But man did it feel longer. I’m not going to lie, it was not the phone call I thought I was looking so forward to. The embryologist started with “Well I have good news,” ok so that sounds promising, “You have six, well five embryo’s we can freeze and send for testing.”

Wait, what? Say that number again? Only five? Why didn’t the sixth one count? “Well it just doesn’t look as good as the other five, but I suppose that really doesn’t mean anything! It still made it into a blastocyst, so we will biopsy and send it too.” Ok, so we have officially six embryos to send. Wow. Now don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled to have six that we can send. Some people don’t have any, some only one or two. I knew that the number would decrease but I really didn’t think it would be that drastic. My heart hurt. Badly. I then asked her, “Is there any chance for any more to grow?” she informed me that there definitely could be more and she thinks by looking at them that there could be four more. Ok, four more embryos to possibly add to the group. That’s nine, maybe ten if we count the one that doesn’t “look as pretty” to the mix. That is a little better but why does my heart still hurt this much? Why am I feeling like I am going to start crying any minute.

My mind is racing and numb all at the same time. It is such a mix of emotions. I am so happy for having six embryos, possibly four more. Yet I am so very sad for losing over fifteen of our babies. Yes, babies. They were ours, they were fifty-fifty Brandon and myself. They had made it to be embryos and tried growing and developing and they just couldn’t. How absolutely crushing that feels. I know it sounds so silly, and honestly until you go through that exact scenario yourself, I just don’t think that you can even begin to feel the same. I would assume it is somewhat like the loss of a baby inside you. I just didn’t get the same amount of time with them. Or have to go through the physical throws of losing one that way. But it is heartbreaking just the same. I’m saddened for the loss of the others.

Then I start to take my mind to not so positive places. So we have six embryos to send. What if none of them are healthy? Surely if these are the ones to make it to this stage they must be the healthy ones? Right? What if they are healthy and I only have six to implant? What if we implant them and they don’t take? What if my lining isn’t good enough for them? What if they do stick but then something on my end goes wrong? We won’t have as many to start off with to transfer in case some don’t take.

Yes, I realize that is a ton of negative thoughts. But after all we have been through it is so hard to not let your mind take you there. Of course I know it only takes one! I am blessed that we have six to send. I pray for all six to come back as healthy and ready embryos!

That night I came home to dinner being made and I was greeted by a beautiful bunch of lilies on our island. Brandon knows I love these flowers and they always remind me of him. They were one of the first flowers he ever got me. Instantly it put a smile on my face. I am married to one of the sweetest men I have ever met. I am so lucky to have him in my life and we will take on whatever comes next, together.

Brandon reminded me, just as I needed him to do, that we just need to stay positive and it will all work out.

Sure enough, that was the case. Like I had said before, I just knew deep down in my heart that there would be quite a large number of embryos to make it to the blastocyst stage. That next morning I had to go into work for a meeting/education day. I had forgotten to link my watch to my phone so I would know if I was getting a phone call (since my phone was on silent). Although, I figured I wouldn’t hear from the embryologist until the afternoon again anyways. But what do you know? She called almost first thing that morning and I had missed it!

Yay! She had left me a voicemail. I apologized to my group that I was going to listen to the voicemail right then and there. There would be no excusing myself out of the room. Ain’t nobody got time for that, haha! Almost everyone at work knows what I’m going through so none of them minded. (seriously lucky about that, otherwise that would have been a big no no) Ok stop. Did I hear the voicemail correctly? We had another EIGHT embryos hatch. Eight more. Holy smokes. I seriously could not wipe the smile off my face if I tried.

We have fourteen blastocysts! Now we had to decide if we were going to pay more to send all of them or send the original set amount of eight that we already paid for. That is definitely a difficult decision. We know that thirty to fifty percent of all blastocysts can have a genetic mutation that will cause them to have a trisomy. These embryos aren’t compatible with life. In knowing that, we could lose quite a few more embryos in this process. So do we test them all to find out? Do we just send the eight that we already allotted money to? Do we just send a few more?

After some talking it over, Brandon and I decided that we would send ten. It is a strong even number and we think it should yield us with a good amount of embryos still. If not, we still have the four more that didn’t get biopsied that we can use. The only downside is we will not know if they have any trisomies, but that is just like everyone else when they get pregnant naturally, you just don’t have any clue.

Talk about emotions. Good grief I think I experienced over one hundred in the last two days. But that is how this process is. It’s never ending ups and downs. With that said, I just have such a good feeling about all of this. I truly do.

Now we sit and wait for about a week to find out the results of the PGS testing. Oh boy. This is going to feel like a fifty day week instead! Haha! So if any of my friends want to take me out and keep me busy, just let me know!

One thing I do know though, is you can’t rush perfection. So I will sit and be as patient as I can, only occasionally peeking through the oven window and checking on those sweet buns that are baking.

Thank you all for continuing to read my posts. I hope you find them entertaining and informative. If you guys have any questions please feel free to comment and ask!