Houston, we have a transfer

October 26, 2017. Transfer day!

We woke up relaxed and ready that morning. I had to drink a lot of water to make sure my bladder would be full for the transfer. It helps them with the ultrasound when they’re placing the embryo. So drinking a ton it was! I literally had to pee SO badly! Hahaha.

I gathered all the meds and everything I needed to bring to the office and we were on our way around one pm that day. Got to the office thirty minutes before hand like instructed and did a potty dance the whole time I was waiting. I honestly think it was because I knew I wasn’t allowed to pee that it made it worse. I seriously hold me pee for a living at work and I never have a problem. So I’m sure that’s what it was!

Of course we had to take an obligatory car selfie before we went in! Hehehe.

They took us back and had me get ready to go into the procedure room. The nurse asked if I needed to try and go to the bathroom beforehand, but I didn’t feel like I would have the control to only pee a little and not all of it, hah. She got the room ready and Brandon and I waited in the same bed that we were in for the retrieval. I felt like that had to be good luck, plus our transfer fell on my lucky number, 26! She called us back into the procedure room and I got all situated on the super awkward chair. Brandon got to come back too which was really nice.

They had me confirm my information and showed us the little embryo they were going to place inside me. It was such a cute little group of cells! Haha! But I already had so much love for this little embryo.

They got me all positioned and then went ahead with the transfer. I literally felt nothing, no discomfort and no pain. The most uncomfortable thing was the fact that I had a super full bladder and they had to push down on it for the ultrasound. We got to watch as Dr. Moffitt placed the embryo. You could see a little shadow moving along my uterus and then a little white air bubble after. Once he was done the lab tech went back to make sure that the embryo indeed was in me and not still in the little catheter. All was good and we got the “Ok.”  They moved me back into the recovery room and had my lay tilted upside down a little for the next hour, just to make sure the embryo stayed put.

I had just some minor cramps and discomfort but I am sure it was related to the fact that a catheter was where it normally is not! Once the hour was up Brandon and I were able to head home. They instructed me to be on bedrest for the remainder of the day and light duty until we drew my blood to see if I was pregnant. So we went home and I just hung out on the couch for the rest of the day. It was a nice and relaxing day.

The following morning I woke up so happy and excited. Each new day I would say a prayer for the little embryo that it would burrow in nicely and make a home inside of me. Later that morning we decided it would be nice to take our puppy Tucker to the dog park to wear him out a little bit. Our elderly dog Samson saw us grabbing the leash and was so excited, he wanted to join too. We normally don’t take him as he is so old but he was acting so cute and had his puppy ears on we couldn’t say no.

We got the dogs all packed up and ready to leave. Samson was so calm in the back seat, it was nice to see. He just had his sweet head out the window the whole way to the park, sniffing everything and taking it all in. Tucker on the other hand is a scared boy and didn’t want to get near the window.

We got to the park and let them out. They were both SO happy. Once we got into the gated dog park we let them loose. There were two other dogs there, both girls. Samson pretty much ignored them and just trotted off to go mark his territory on every inch of grass there was. And let me tell you, there was a ton of grass. It was so cute to see him have a burst of energy there he was all over the place. We threw the ball for Tucker and he was seriously smiling the whole time he went to grab it and ran back! We were having an amazing morning. Samson even got to pee on a fire hydrant and hump a girl dog, haha! After only about twenty or thirty minutes both dogs were tired and laid down. The other two dogs had left by this time so it was just us four.

(Warning: sad sad paragraph alert)

We decided to take the tired doggies home and let them rest there as well as myself. We had just started to walk to the gate when Samson lost his footing and fell to the ground. Right then and there I knew, we were going to lose our best friend and first baby boy Samson. His body started to lock up and he took about five last dying breaths. It was absolutely horrifying to watch. It broke my heart. We had not even the slightest inkling that we would be losing our dog that day. I dropped to the ground and just laid over Samson crying. I tried to convince myself that he was actually still breathing or that every time any of his muscles twitched that he was still alive. But I knew that that was normal and part of the body dying. Our sweet baby boy gone just like that.

In reality, we gave him the most amazing send off ever, without even realizing it. I mean, he even got to hump a girl dog which he has never done before, we joke his heart couldn’t handle a woman! But I will tell you, I feel like watching your pet die unexpectedly is harder than putting your pet down. I have done both and I of course never want to have to do either, but we just weren’t prepared at all. Brandon of course was worried about me and possibly losing the embryo. He kept telling me to try and be calm and not cry. Which, when hopped up on every hormone medication ever, is probably not the easiest thing to do. I was definitely thinking the same thing though and decided that I needed to be as strong as I could, for this potential baby inside me.

The following days were terrible. I was mourning the loss of my Samson, but having to hold it all in. We were scheduled to leave for Vegas in a few days for Brandon’s powerlifting competition! I was able to distract myself for the three days leading up to the trip at work. I had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind. In the few days after the transfer I had quite a bit of cramping. I really wasn’t worried as I know that can be a very normal thing when the embryo is implanting and the uterus is preparing itself and growing. But I still was nervous. I didn’t have any other signs of being pregnant. Granted I know it was SOOOO early in the process and there is a chance that I indeed wouldn’t have any signs, but I still wanted them.

November second, Brandon’s birthday, we headed to Vegas! We had a great time there, except I couldn’t drink! So that was a bummer, haha, but hey it was for a great reason.

Brandon did wonderfully in the competition and placed fourth, for the World’s Powerlifting. I was so proud of him!

While we were there the friends we got Tucker from messaged me and told me that his litter mate Ollie was brought back to them, as the previous owners were unable to care for him any longer. They were wondering if we were interested, as they knew we just had lost Sammy. We told them we would think about it and when we got back home we would bring Tucker over to their place and see if they got along.

November sixth we drove home and on the seventh we had my blood test first thing in the morning and then the puppy play date later that afternoon. They drew my blood and I asked when they would be getting results and when I would hear from the doctor. Well the results they have within an hour of running the blood, but I wouldn’t get to hear from the doctor until the end of the day, as he would being patients up until then. We waited, myself very impatiently for the phone call. Luckily enough we got to be somewhat distracted with getting to go meet Ollie. We took Tucker over and the two got along great. We knew we would have a lot of training and work to do with Ollie but we really wanted to give Tucker a friend and who better than his actual brother!

On our drive home my phone started ringing. It was from the doctor’s office! Oh my gosh, my heart started racing and my hands were instantly sweaty. After what seemed like five minutes of me fumbling with my phone and the bluetooth vs speakerphone issues I was having, I finally got the doctor on speakerphone to talk with us. He asked us how we were doing and all that small talk that we really didn’t care about. We just wanted to know the results.

He then continued on with “Well I unfortunately have some bad news for you.” My heart sank as low as it possibly could. Dead silence. I could feel Brandon’s head quickly turn to me and stare at me but I just stared off through the window in front of me. He then proceeded to tell us that the blood test showed that the embryo did not take. We were not pregnant. All the cramps I felt each day, that I took as a good sign and talked to our little embryo each time were for nothing. They were just teasing me. My world came crashing down. I was so angry. I couldn’t believe that it didn’t work. We had spent the extra money and time and effort into the PGS testing to give us a 85% chance of success. And we were the 15% that it didn’t work for. I. WAS. MAD.

I just sat there and stared when we got off the phone. I think it probably worried Brandon a little bit, as I am sure he was expecting the waterworks right away. But I didn’t have any quite yet. I was still trying to process everything that we had just been told. So many different emotions were running through my mind. I not only lost my favorite dog ever the week prior, but now I lost my future baby. How is this fair? Why is it happening to us? What did I do wrong that caused the embryo not to take? Did I get up and move too much that next day? Did Samson dying and me crying over it cause it to not work?  Because I got my period too late and my lining was only eight and my progesterone was low, did that cause this? Did drinking one drink the night before cause this? Did I do too much walking in Vegas? All the what ifs floated in and then I finally lost it.

It has been a few weeks now and things are starting to settle. Life is getting back to normal. Going back to work that first day was extremely hard, I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t chipper or happy. I wasn’t talkative. I just wanted to clock in, care for my patients and go home. Coping was really hard for me the first few days. I had no abilities to do so. I just sat there and cried. Hard cried. Ugly cried. Can’t breathe kind of cries. One of the hardest parts is that no one else knew. We had been keeping this whole process a secret so that we could surprise you all if it was good news. But now that is was bad news, I was all alone. Brandon had to go back to work and had an overtime shift as well he had to work. I was home alone, didn’t have my best friend Samson there to cuddle with me and make it all better. I was all alone. It was gut wrenching.

The silver lining? I finally got to mourn the loss of Samson without being worried it would cause the loss of the embryo. I finally got to get rid of all those emotions I had been harboring inside of me. I got to get my anger out. I got to scream and have puffy eyes for multiple days with no judgements. I got to realize that it will all be ok. That life does indeed suck at times. But it is also amazing at others.

We did not get the outcome we wanted the first time we went through with our transfer. There is currently no bun in my oven. But we were blessed with multiple embryos and so we will get to try and try again. In my head I joke that God was like, OHHH NOOOO, you won’t be able to handle this little one, no way, let’s just go ahead and have you try another. Haha. And maybe that truly is what happened. Who knows. Not me, not you, not anyone. But I do have faith that one day it will work out. And that is what I continue to hang on to to keep me afloat.

Now: I don’t need anyone’s “I’m sorry’s” or pity or sadness. You can feel all those things that’s fine. I can’t keep you from feeling them. But if you talk to me or see me around, just give me your joy and hope and strength. Because that is what I need to keep pulling through. We will try again some day. We promise you that. We will give you a little Serio. But until then, just shower us in prayers, good thoughts, strength and happiness. That is all we ask. ❤

Thank you all.

With love.