March 25th, here I sit in a Starbucks, starting to type away on my laptop to fill you all in on the past four months. I’m sorry I have left you all hanging and waiting in anticipation for any kind of news. It’s been quite a process and I had to take some time for myself through it all.
So I will break down the last few months over the next few blogs for you all. Make it an easier and less wordy blog post.
Where did I leave off? That’s right, a pretty sad and terrible time of my life. I lost not only my first baby Samson, the best dog I’ve ever owned, but also my possible future baby and first embryo we had transferred. Geeze, rough time for sure. I can’t say how glad I am to be past that. Or as past it as I can be. I still find myself crying over Samson on any given day or time that reminds me of him. Mostly happy tears though, of what an amazing dog he was or some quirky trait he had.
Ok, SO. Our first transfer failed us. We found out the terrible news on November 7th. While driving home and on the phone with the doctor he asked us if we wanted to take a break from the process or go right into another transfer. My instant thought was to go right into another transfer, as my body is geared up and ready to go hormone-wise and we probably shouldn’t mess with that. I looked over at Brandon and just nodded as to say “Let’s do it” he agreed and we told Dr. Moffitt that continuing on was a go. He instructed me to stop taking my Progesterone and keep taking the Estrace. I should expect my period in a few days and to let the office know. From there they would schedule me for all my lab draws and ultrasounds leading up to the next transfer.
I’m going to be honest, the only two things I remember from that conversation was that the embryo didn’t take and to stop taking the medication. I emailed my nurse the next day to let her know we knew the bad news. She was quick to respond. She expressed her condolences and shared some very sweet words with me. She told me that in all her years of being a fertility nurse, this was the first failed transfer that she cried over. I always knew she was a wonderful, hard working, caring nurse, but I got to see that over the past few months Brandon and I really had connected with her. We are so grateful to have her on our side through this entire process. She then sent me an email with a rough estimate for when we would have to go in for all our future checks leading up to transfer day.
This round my body decided to behave and I got my period on November tenth. Now where you might feel like you don’t really need to know this or any of the details that go along with it, I would agree. However, this was a difficult one to go through emotionally. I knew I was losing the embryo in this process, or so I think I was, and I cried. Of course I was working this day too, so hiding the tears and emotions was really difficult. One of my good friends was working that day as well and was able to comfort me the best she could. But that was a really difficult day for me. All my hopes and dreams I had concocted for this future baby of ours were being flushed down the toilet. Figuratively and literally. Just like that, they were over. But as quickly as I had those negative feelings I wiped the tears from my face, splashed some cold water on it and moved on. Onward and upward was my mantra for this whole process and so I needed to continue it.
First positive insight was that I did get my period relatively quickly versus last month, which is great for lining reasons and what not. I emailed Tabitha my nurse to let her know and she instructed me to keep taking my Estrace through Thanksgiving and I would have my lining check on November 29th. Fingers were crossed it would be better than the previous eight that it was. Holy smokes, waiting the two and a half weeks for this day to get here again felt like FOREVER. At this point my mood was better and I was ready to get this next transfer over with!
The lining check came back fine and it was at nine. So hey, better than last time. Both the nurse and doctor reassured me as well that both an eight or a nine are wonderful numbers and fluffy enough for any embryo to adhere to. That helped me to feel a little more confident for this next round as well. The following day I was to start the Progesterone again. Normally I would just take two forms of it, but because my Progesterone level prior to the last transfer was low, my nurse and myself had talked about just starting me on all three from the get go. We would check my level the night before the transfer to see where it was at. At this point I was taking the Estrace three times a day as well as three different forms of Progesterone three times a day. I seriously felt like my life revolved around when I had to take all my meds.
For whatever reason this time around I was super relaxed about taking all my meds. I would forget to take them at certain times and would be late. Whereas last transfer I would have freaked out over it, this time I was so calm. I think subconciously my mind did not want me to stress out over the little things. So as a result I just didn’t care this round and would just forget. One of my work friends knew I kept forgetting to take them and even on her days off of work she would text me when I needed to take them. Haha. Now that’s a good friend, especially because I managed to need her reminders those days!
December second I was to start taking my steroids daily for three days leading up to my transfer and then the night of the transfer. They help to reduce the immune system so that my body wouldn’t see the embryo as an invader and attack it. Welllll of course I misread my calendar and didn’t go get my steroids picked up in time to take them on Saturday the second when I was off of work. So Sunday morning I woke up to go to work and looked at my calendar and saw I was supposed to already be on day two of steroids that I didn’t have in my possession. WHAT DO I DO NOW?? I was in serious freak out mode. I know that I had been more relaxed this round with my meds, but this was too far. This could really screw up my transfer.
First thing I thought of was to call my friend that I work with who just had gone through IVF and see if she by chance had any extra steroids from her process. Lo and behold she did. And she worked that day. Holy hell was I lucky. So I took my late dose first thing that morning and then my dose for that day at night after work. Of course that wasn’t ideal as steroids can make you wired and keep you awake, but some loss of sleep for the right reason was totally worth it. I emailed my nurse to make sure doing this was ok and she said that people do it all the time and not to worry! What I did was just fine and to not stress out over it. One negative effect I have from steroids though beyond being “wired” or thirsty or anything like that, I turn red. Like really red. Like lobster sunburnt red. All over my face, neck, chest and arms. And it feels like I’m on fire! The perks of being super fair skin-toned I guess. Yay me. Haha. But hey, if they do what they’re supposed to then I guess it is all worth it!
Monday December fourth was my Progesterone check, the day before our transfer. I got a call that my level was still on the low side, but higher than last transfer. I’m not going to lie I got really nervous hearing that. I mean, I was glad it was higher, but so upset that with taking the max doses of Progesterone for the last few weeks it was still on the low side. Was there something wrong with my body?? They decided to put me on the phone with my doctor in hopes that talking with him would make me feel better. It did and it didn’t. He told me that yes my levels were low, but that they weren’t so low that he was concerned for anything to go wrong. We just had to see what my body would do over the next few days. He gave me the option to stop the process and not go through with the transfer if I wanted. In doing so, we would postpone and start it all over again using another form of progesterone in a shot that I would give myself daily. The hope would be that it could possibly raise my levels prior to a transfer. I honestly considered it for a second, but I had put myself through so much this month already in preparation and didn’t feel like throwing it all away for a bunch of “what if’s.” I told him that I would see him the following day for my transfer.
What would happen this transfer? Would it be successful? Would I have another bad experience with the person behind the partition next to me, crying and cursing about pain? Would I have any pain?
I also decided to go about everything differently this time. No drinking for a week prior to the transfer. I would make myself be on bedrest for two full days after the transfer this time. All the scenarios I criticized with the last transfer I decided to do the exact opposite this time.
I want a bun in my oven 